Okay, folks, I get that there are people out there who are partnered, or grouped, or happily, ecstatically in love. There are people who are happier than they’ve ever been since getting divorced and remarried or involved with a new special someone. People who didn’t realize what was missing until they had it. I’m not one of them.
You know what? It’s okay.
I’ve got well meaning friends and family who think it’s oh-so-sad that I haven’t found Mr. Right yet. Who think that I’m not looking means I’m hung up in the past. That I should just dive back into the dating pool. They don’t get it and I’m sick of trying to explain it.
There are a lot of very good reasons for me to be single and I can’t think of even a mediocre one for me to get involved with someone.
I am Healing
I still have nightmares about my ex-husband. Sheet shredding, bolt upright, cold sweats nightmares. They’re not frequent anymore, but they still happen. My psyche has not purged its fear of the man who was supposed to be my trusted partner and best friend. My brain is still working out the shattered illusion of my marriage. Until that is reconciled, no healthy, long-term relationship can happen.
My Children are Healing
They don’t need a replacement daddy. Or a newer, better model. They need space, time, and therapy. They also need mommy. They need my time, my love, and my attention. They were abused and they need the freedom to work that out and become people who will neither be abused again, nor become abusers themselves. That is a lot. They don’t need someone else to be a priority in my life. They don’t need someone to question our unusual habits or coping mechanisms. They especially don’t need someone with enough baggage to understand them.
I Don’t Like my Body
This is a self-esteem thing, but it isn’t. I don’t like the way I look and I don’t like the way I feel about the way I look. It’s not that I don’t think I’m attractive enough to land a good man, it’s that I have this very real, unresolved body loathing. I’d either have to conceal it or bring it into a relationship with me. There is still work to be done here and I am not entering into a relationship with a negative body image. I will not grease the slippery slope.
I am not Financially Stable
I may be working my ass off, but money is a nightmare. I require a solid foundation here. It’s too easy to rush things or commit to a bad relationship because someone can help pay the bills. Also, I will never be dependent on a man again. NEVER.
I am not the Me I Want to Offer
Nope, not a self-esteem thing that can be cured by the love of good man. It’s a legitimate appraisal of my situation. I have work to do. I have healing to complete. I have wounds to scar over. I have pains to release. I have damage to repair. These are mine and mine alone. These are the things that caused my ex-husband to prey on me to begin with. I will work them out first. If I’m ever willing to get involved with someone again, I will bring a healthy me to the table.
I Attract Married Men and Creeps
I am like a magnet for these two groups. I still have a lot of work to do when the signals I’m sending out are “I’d make a good side piece” and “I’d be your softest punching bag.” I’m nowhere close to a 10, so it’s not like I have a ton of slack-jawed suitors and am just singling out some knuckle-draggers. My creep tractor beam is what brought my ex into my life. I need to shut that fucker off.
I’m Ready for a Me Phase
No part of my life has ever been about me. I’d like to do things my own way for a while.
I Just Don’t Want To
Look, I don’t want to be in a relationship right now. It’s not some sad thing. Every day, I move my life forward. Every day, I work to right the wrongs of the past. I’m healing. I’m getting better. My children are healing. They are getting better. This is my journey. Not one I need or want to share.
I’m single, not lonely. I need some time for myself. And those who can’t understand it, don’t have to. This isn’t their journey.