Nightmares at Night

I don’t really like to write two abuse posts in a row, but sometimes you just have to try to release it.

The ex is on a rampage. I was worried about his girlfriend and anyone else in a subordinate position to him, but now I am worried about us. He’s making veiled threats. You know the ones – the kind police and judges don’t take seriously. The kind that are dismissed with – see what I have to deal with? She’s crazy. The kind that mean, no matter how zen you try to be, your dreams will become nightmares that stick with you.

Daily life is a waking nightmare. Dream life is filled with nightmares. He’s gone loony and threatening and is somehow convincing everyone around him that I am the bad guy.

Last night, I had three very memorable nightmares. One, I may never forget.

I had a home. I had my family. I had peace.

I also had a cornfield next to my home. It was full of strong, organic corn. No genetic modification, no pesticides, no herbicides, no chemicals of any kind. Just lovingly cared for corn on the verge of harvest. Enough to feed my family for two years.

I caught a somewhat distant neighbor walking past my home with an armful of corn. I told her I wasn’t going to throw a fit about what she had taken, but I didn’t want her to take anymore without permission. 

I realized that I had no means of protecting my cornfield. I had no fences or cameras, no dogs, nothing to keep it safe. I was stunned by the sudden realization of the fragility of the corn I had nurtured to bounty. I resolved to harvest the next morning and consider my options for security for the next year.

When I woke in the morning, I witnessed the same neighbor, and another woman, carrying armloads of my corn. I turned to my field and it was empty, save for 4-5 ears, which they swore they would return for. I wanted to plead for my family, don’t take everything, let us eat for one day. I tried to be strong and tell them no, they could not have what was mine.

They turned to me and said that they were taking it and I would not stop them. They told me that they were angry with X for something X did and they were taking it out on me because I was X’s relative and they would continue to take it out on me until they were satisfied they had been repaid.

I told X who was pleased as punch that I was the revenge target instead of X. I came to realize that X had wronged someone and I was going to pay for what had been done. X would come out squeaky clean, exactly as X devised, I would pay for X’s sins, and there was nothing I could do about it. X did wrong, I had to pay, and my family would suffer because they were related to me.

X is one of a few individuals that appear in my dreams as a manifestation of my actual ex-husband. When X appears, it is as a relative, someone I am both connected and subordinate to. This goes back so many years that I can’t remember when it started, only when I made the connection between those symbols and him.

I looked up dream interpretations for corn and theft. Basically, a cornfield is domestic bliss, harmony, potential. Theft is someone taking that from you.

Put them together and translate them to what’s going on and you get:

My ex-husband is a dickhead who did something wrong. His actions have hurt someone and are leading to me being hurt as well. There is an intermediary (second neighbor) who will ensure that I get hurt. He will not take responsibility for his actions and will gladly shift all such responsibility to me. He will slink out of the situation and I will lose greatly. He will have no remorse for his initial actions or those that harm me as a secondary.

In other words, the last week of my life. Thanks, nightmares, I really needed a reminder of what we’re going through rather than a little break from it.

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5 thoughts on “Nightmares at Night

  1. Penny Lane

    The nightmares are your brains way of processing the trauma and stress you’re under. You’re reaching a point where you really need to talk some of this out. You carry so much around inside it must be a burden for you?

    Reply
  2. suburbanunwife Post author

    Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. It’s not always easy, that’s for sure. He is deranged and our lives are best when he’s just too busy with something else to think about us. Thankfully, that is often enough that we’ve been able to move somewhat forward with our lives.

    When he’s not occupied, or one of us fails to tow his line, he can go into a furious rage. That’s this week. For all intents and purposes, his rage should fizzle out by Sunday or Monday. The threats, if he carries them out, will backfire. I have surprised myself and stood strong through this one, despite his best attempts to make me cower.

    Even though I will win this battle for my family, it is a stressful one to fight.

    Reply
  3. Penny Lane

    You must be able to look back and see how strong you are? Don’t forget your incredible strength in the face of such horror. You are always putting your kids first x

    Reply
  4. suburbanunwife Post author

    People say that, but I rarely feel strong. I can take shit. A lot of shit. Without exploding or flinching or fighting back. That doesn’t seem strong to me. Strong, to me, is taking the shit you deserve and not taking any that you don’t. I am not there yet.

    Reply
  5. grieflessons

    As distressing as your dreams may be, they are there to help you deal with the stress in your life. In so competently dissecting and interpreting them, this is what you are doing. It is much like talking to a counselor. It is painful at the time but does help in the long run. It is magic, this airing of our pain. You are doing this in your blog and with all you have to do, it is amazing and wonderful that you do so. It is good for you and for your children and readers. I applaud that you take the time to do so and that you do it so competently. I hope all goes better for you.

    Reply

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