Second Job Conflict

So, yeah, I took a second part-time job. Because I need one. Because I nailed the interview. Because I can’t find a full-time job. Because the kids said they could pick up some slack and don’t always need me around. Because somebody offered me another job and who the fuck do I think I am to not accept.

Coincidentally, my child’s depression was growing. Two days before I began the new job, I found out just how bad it had gotten. I spent that day working to keep my little one’s emotions in the + column. I found a way for my child to release some of the pain and worked to keep smiles and laughter plentiful. Anything to loosen Depression’s grip on my precious child.

And I would slip into the kitchen here and there where I could cry privately, because sometimes the tears just come. The lid just won’t stay tight on this one.

And I debated about even starting the second job. Individually, the kids expressed that maybe I just shouldn’t. Maybe I should just tell them there was a family emergency and I had to attend to it. Hours from starting the job, we all agreed that I would start the job, but reserve the option to quit if it negatively impacted the kids. Each week, we agree that I will give notice on the coming Friday if the time away detracts from my little one’s healing.

I have refused to become attached to this job and the people I work with. I feel for the manager, I was a different person in my interview. Surely she has no understanding of why the personable, cheery woman she first met is standoffish now. I haven’t known her long enough…I haven’t been there long enough… Timing just sucked. I can’t be attached because that would add stress and make it harder to cut ties if I need to.

The thing is, it’s not an awful job. It pays less than my other job, but it offers me more hours. I have to clean – a lot – including toilets…but, that is exercise and it’s less than an hour total per day. It can get hectic, but it gives me a lot of time to think. I have the potential to make more there than I do at the first job. I could quit the first job and just devote myself to this one, with maybe less stress on the family. Or maybe not. The overall environment at the second job is more than a billion times healthier than the first. That is fucking refreshing. On the other hand, I can bring my kids to the first job. Like, not even just for a visit. We have a routine. My boss almost does not care. The depressed one comes with regularly and nobody bats an eye. Healthier environment or not, I cannot bring any of my children with to work at the second job.

I am so conflicted about whether starting was the right thing to do. Maybe it will work out. Maybe it won’t. Maybe the hours will balance out perfectly and it’ll never be a problem. I don’t know. I just don’t know. And I don’t know what to do about not knowing.

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